Wednesday, January 2, 2013

The Rare and Endangered Spotted American Lounge Lizard

Much has been written in scientific journals regarding the demise of the Spotted American Lounge Lizard (ratpackius imitatious).  But largely overlooked in past research is the steady and unfortunate erosion of the creature’s habitat, starting in the 1970s. Habitat is everything for the sustainability of a species and the Lounge Lizard’s primary urban domain, the American Lounge, has long been in a steady decline.

This marked erosion in lounge habitat began in the 1970s when many locales were converted to mirror-balled disco halls by the score. Some Lounge Lizards were able to successfully adapt and trade their spots for pastel leisure suits, but many more chose not to adapt but rather retreat further into the wilderness areas of Nerdania.

The second wave of habitat conversions was even more severe and widespread when, in the post-disco 1980s and 1990s, many establishments were converted to video arcade parlors. The flashing lights were welcoming to the Lounge Lizard but the incessant clatter and loud beeps of the electronic devices interfered greatly with the creature’s dating rituals (the intended subjects could not hear the Lizards’ pick up lines).

Some researchers suspect that there are still a few original Lounge Lizard habitats remaining and that they could be functional and in relatively pristine condition. The University of Peoria recently received a federal Humanities Council grant to dispatch teams to several of these reported sites to attempt to verify their existence and document any inhabitants found there. The very first wave of research teams is headed to Worcester, Poughkeepsie and Altoona as we speak. Wish them well.

1 comment:

Gringo said...

That research project sounds more worthwhile than the research resulting in the average social "science" article. While your posting was written tongue in cheek, most social "science" writes such stuff in utter seriousness.

There is always The Journal of Irreproducible Results.