Dateline Beverly Hills

Biggest Story in 2010? The Gulf Oil Spill. That was big. But the second biggest story was this one.

Dateline Beverly Hills, California, July 29, 2010. This just in:

Bowing to public pressures and the call to action by irate California officials, the Board of the Beverly Hills-headquartered Campett Corp has just announced that Jed will be replaced as head of the Clampett clan effective immediately. Multi-millionaire Jed and the OK Oil Company he leads have been under fire from many fronts since it came to light that his reckless marksmanship back in Tennessee caused an uncontrolled and unprecedented oil spill there.

“What it was, was an unmitigated unnatural disaster for residents, wildlife and our town’s fragile tourist economy,” claims the Mayor of Gooberville, Will Chasen. "We done ran Jed and his kind right out of town here because of those reckless actions – I don’t know where the cussed varmint fled to, to tell you the truth,” mused the Mayor. The Federal agency that issued the huntin’ license to Clampett and his oil company could not be reached for comment at the time of the incident, or anytime thereafter. Officials have since renamed that government division the “Black Gold Ladies Aid Society” in an attempt to revamp its image with the public.

Reportedly, the Clampett Board will be meeting tomorrow to select a new clan leader and that the Board is hungry for new blood from the outside to help re-polish the tarnished Clampett brand. Sources indicate that among the individuals under serious consideration are Tony Blair and Tony Hayward from “away,” or possibly Beverly Hills' own Tony Awards. The family spokesperson would neither confirm nor deny those rumors.
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Related story: Interview here with Gooberville resident Skeeter McCoy who lost his squirrel farming business because of the Clampett disaster and hasn’t worked a day since.